Saturday, February 20, 2010

A Vociferous Declination

Sometimes i speak before i think and not everything that comes out is exactly what i intended, that is the downside, the upside is that after i have cause a little bit of wreckage i can usualy pick up the broken bits and move on. I dont have to dwell on shit, even though sometimes things do tend to get stuck in-between my ears, and i get to work on those things. Would i like to not always put my foot in my mouth, of course, but i am human, fully fallible, and prone to mistakes. I can own that, i can see my part amd i will honor when i am wrong
I can't beat myself up. Nor will i stay stuck so that i cannot move forward and live my life. I once heard that it doesn't matter if you pick yourself up after getting knocked on your ass, but how fast you get back up.
I like that.
I must have faith that i can and will practice forgivness, because i know that in time i will need to be forgiven. And it is with that that i say that i can and will be a work in progress, never gona get it right the first time, and there will be a few bumps in the road, and there will be some major road construction going on. Its just part of the deal. I dont get it when people try an be perfect and correct others and tell them how to act, or talk , what they should or shouldn't say, what to wear, what to eat or how to spell. let people be people, let them make their own damn mistakes, and leave them be. Done get all bent out of shape when the person next to you slis and fall and takes you down when trying to catch themselves - that when we get to see who gets up first, because i know that i dont enjoy being down, i was there long enough to know when shits gone wrong and there aint no one to blame but ourselves.
Sure we can point fingers, "you did this, they did that' - so what, take responsibility for your own actions and be the difference. Make that change, have a positive, lasting effect, dont puss out and stand there like the shit that just got thrown didnt get on you. Because it happens, we do tend to think we are above that and 'i dont do that' - well fuck you you DO do THAT, you DO fuck up, and when you make a mistake, and when the time comes to own up to your fucked up behavior, you had better ask yourself which way your gonna go - are you going to be a sensless turd without compassion? or are you gonna own it, embrace your humaness and grow. I chose to grow, even though sometimes the fucked up feeling of having to humol up and lower down and say soe words that usualy we dont want to say, but we have to walk through that, no way around it, we're going to get to practice how to live a little bit, even though by living we may have to go through a whole lot of pain. But pain is a necessary learning experience.
It makes us whole, it is the cycle that if we chose to go through thoses lows, then the highs feel that much higher. And the best part is, that we are now familiar with that pain, we get to recognize those feelings, and what our 'triggers' are. For me, I tend not to be so sensitive or empathize too well, but i try, i practice, and i am sincere when i say i am sorry, even i i think i was right, if i hurt people, i apologise, it was never my intension to purposely hurt you, well unless i smashed you in the face, but i havent had to do that i a while, but again what im trying to say is, even if i believe in what i said or did, i need to do so with honor and respect of how you feel. Now those last few lines must be a little confusing, compared to what is written on the side of this page, but that 'further explanation' is about this blog, and what might be written here at some point, so I will be unapologetic, about what i SAY here, it does not necessarily, mean that i am an unapologetic person. Yes i can be a bit of a hard ass, but i am also kind loving and compasionate, i care when i fuck up, and try to make things right, but i will not lay down my beliefs and compromise my feelings just to serve you. I know that not everyone i will meet will have and share my same views, but i hope that we can agree to disagree. I aslo know that some humans are just trsh and deserve non of my compasion, love nor will i share my faith and hope with them, i need to be genuine and sincer, and not half ass my way through life. I see a lot of people saying one thing and doing another.
I like to make sure that my feet line up with my mouth so i can sleep at night.

1 comment:

Mary said...

Well said, and amen. As someone once told me- You shouldn't *should* yourself, or other people :)