Thursday, July 03, 2008as some of you may know, my father is still clinging onto his decrepit life, haggard and weak, unaware of his surroundings, when i was with him, he never even recognized me, although i am certain he knew who i was, and my sisters as well, his withered state, and dulled senses, from all the morphine, has takin his voice and atrofied his muscles, the doctor told us that the bone cancer is so far along, that his bones no longer retain calcium, and that the calcium contenet in his blood stream is the worse he has ever seen.
i find it extremely ironic that a man that has abused woman and children, physicaly and emotionaly, now lays unable to move on his own, trapped in his own skin, a man that has said some horrible things, things that i am not comfortable saying here, a man that once beat up my brother becouse he finished the last of the milk, now is unable to speak.
i had at one point during the visit asked everyone to clear the room so that i may have a moment alone with my father, i had told him that i forgive him for everything and that i no longer blame him for my troubles and weather he understood or not, i had to tell him for my piece of mind, i think he was comprehending what i was saying becouse he did however mumble the words 'sorry for being such a hard ass' to me that made the trip all worth it, it was the second thing i could make out of his garbled, doped up babble, that was after he asked me if i could 'get him a beer', yes even in his last moments here on this earth, his disease has an iron grip on him and is a big part of the condition he is in today.
i had lost it, after years of knowing this moment would come, years of holding resentment and hate, holding back pain, misery, feelings of abandonment and abuse, he did after all walk out on us kids, and did the same with my 2 half sisters, and the 3 sons he had before he met my mom and had my 2 sisters and i, he is a big fat loser, it is what it is, i do not have to hold back, i am a grown man, and can be comfortable in having these feelings, and not have to numb them out, but instead i can walk through them and be better prepared for when those feelings come up again, and know that there deep rooted and the scars are deep, but i chose not to let then over run my life, becouse they are just that, 'feelings' and they dod not have to rule my life, and i do not have to let them affect the choices i make, today my choices are more in tune with what is the next best thing, not whats my feeling on the matter.
going through this is huge in my recovery, not just the feelings, and the forgiveness, but being greatfull that i had the opertunity to make the trip, to go and be by my fathers side, the first day he i was there, i had walked into the room and held his hand and told him 'it doesn't matter the circumstances which brought me here, but the fact that i am here now, is whats important' he was loaded on morphine, so i highly doubt he knew what the fuck i was talking about, but i said it, and that had been on my mind as we were taking the elevator up to his room.
back to the few minutes i had alone with my dad, he slurred something about repositioning him on his bed, so i put my hands under him and lifeted him up higher on the hospital bed, and for some reason some buzzer had gone off and my first thought was "oh great someones going to walk in here and see me hunched over this frail old man, and think i'm trying to put him out of his misery" but no one came in and i was able to remain by his side and tell him that "its ok to let go and that his mom, and brothers are waiting for him, theres no need in extending the pain" i had said more, but the exact details escape me at this time.
meeting a half brother and 2 half sisters that were ages 16, 13, and 12 was wierd to say the least, i mean i have nieces and a nephew that age. dumbass dad has to go and be a complete loser and have kids when hes like 60 an shit, christ i feel bad for the kids, i get to come home, they have to stay there in Mora Mn, in the middle of nowhere, no choice but to grow up in poverty and squalor, much like we did the first 11 years of my life, a dead beat dad who never had a regular job in his life. i would have loved to bring them home and give them a fighting chance to make something of themselves, but i will leave that up to god, and the state, becouse theres a good chance their mom will lose them after my dad passes, she is unstable and has in the past been hospitalized for mental health reaasons, and that my friends is an entirly different blog.
but it is what it is, and i leave Mn with the sense of closer and i did my part and was there to say my piece and have that part of my life help me better understand what it takes to show up for my life and be a part of other peoples lives who i will affect, whether i like it or not, becouse its part of the 'responsibleand productive' thing we're always talking about. i mention this becouse i had a nice long talk with my brother Mario, who at 16 is on probation for 2 more years, been in trouble at school, and is showing signs of addiction, i told him what i've done and where it got me, and the program that i work now, and he was very receptive. wich was a great sign, i hope he makes the right choices in his life, i can only hope and pray things work out for him and my sisters. there is 'worse case, best case scenarios' but i will spare you all the details. i was seperated for 18 years from my sisters Corinna and Angela but god and myspace brought us back together, so i have faith.
it wasn't all drama out there, my sisters and i had fun on the road, got lost on some country highway, and in town, we went to The Mall of America, and did some shopping, man that place is big, we were ther for like 5 hours and still only saw a small part of it. i did some 'retail therapy' and broke down and gots me a fancy new Blackberry 'Curve' my old phone was dying, and it was over a year old anyway, my sisters bought a couple pairs of shoes, and if i had brought a bigger suitcase i would have bought some more stuff, my sisters reminded me that 'i could buy a new suitecase' har har har, yeah but i'd also have to pay an additional 25 bucks to check it at the airlines.
so we walked around, ate, and drank smoothies, then when it was time to go and return the rental car, we took another wrong turn and ended up like 3 miles from our terminal, good thing they have a 'light rail', made to the security check and realized i had a unopened 16 oz. mountain dew in my messenger bag (along with my laptop, ipod, and digital camera) so i knew i wouldn't be alowed to take it through, so i opened it and cranked down the whole thing in less than a minute, the security dude was like 'well i guess you aint gonna sleep on this flight'. we found the bording gate and i was just so fucking ready to get home. long ass flight, 3 and a half hours later we landed safely at SFO, now i know some of you probaly flown all over the world with like 15 hr + plane rides, but after the few days with my father, and the emotional turmoil going on in my head, the trip itself had it been for like vacation , or go outa town to go check out the world, without the distress of people on their deathbed, and all that comes along with it, it was in fact a long 5 days.
home at last on wednesday night i was full of gratitude and humboled that i was able to walk that path, and show up not just for my father, but for my own recovery to walk through that difficulty and learn and grow from the whole experience.
thank you all for the support, your constance messages, phone calls, text msgs, and comments all helped me make it through it knowing that i wasn't alone, becouse you all were there with me in my heart. and i am not sure how it would have turned out had i not had all that love and support.
i've said it since i let you all know about this situation, and i will say it again THANK YOU