Saturday, February 20, 2010

A Vociferous Declination

Sometimes i speak before i think and not everything that comes out is exactly what i intended, that is the downside, the upside is that after i have cause a little bit of wreckage i can usualy pick up the broken bits and move on. I dont have to dwell on shit, even though sometimes things do tend to get stuck in-between my ears, and i get to work on those things. Would i like to not always put my foot in my mouth, of course, but i am human, fully fallible, and prone to mistakes. I can own that, i can see my part amd i will honor when i am wrong
I can't beat myself up. Nor will i stay stuck so that i cannot move forward and live my life. I once heard that it doesn't matter if you pick yourself up after getting knocked on your ass, but how fast you get back up.
I like that.
I must have faith that i can and will practice forgivness, because i know that in time i will need to be forgiven. And it is with that that i say that i can and will be a work in progress, never gona get it right the first time, and there will be a few bumps in the road, and there will be some major road construction going on. Its just part of the deal. I dont get it when people try an be perfect and correct others and tell them how to act, or talk , what they should or shouldn't say, what to wear, what to eat or how to spell. let people be people, let them make their own damn mistakes, and leave them be. Done get all bent out of shape when the person next to you slis and fall and takes you down when trying to catch themselves - that when we get to see who gets up first, because i know that i dont enjoy being down, i was there long enough to know when shits gone wrong and there aint no one to blame but ourselves.
Sure we can point fingers, "you did this, they did that' - so what, take responsibility for your own actions and be the difference. Make that change, have a positive, lasting effect, dont puss out and stand there like the shit that just got thrown didnt get on you. Because it happens, we do tend to think we are above that and 'i dont do that' - well fuck you you DO do THAT, you DO fuck up, and when you make a mistake, and when the time comes to own up to your fucked up behavior, you had better ask yourself which way your gonna go - are you going to be a sensless turd without compassion? or are you gonna own it, embrace your humaness and grow. I chose to grow, even though sometimes the fucked up feeling of having to humol up and lower down and say soe words that usualy we dont want to say, but we have to walk through that, no way around it, we're going to get to practice how to live a little bit, even though by living we may have to go through a whole lot of pain. But pain is a necessary learning experience.
It makes us whole, it is the cycle that if we chose to go through thoses lows, then the highs feel that much higher. And the best part is, that we are now familiar with that pain, we get to recognize those feelings, and what our 'triggers' are. For me, I tend not to be so sensitive or empathize too well, but i try, i practice, and i am sincere when i say i am sorry, even i i think i was right, if i hurt people, i apologise, it was never my intension to purposely hurt you, well unless i smashed you in the face, but i havent had to do that i a while, but again what im trying to say is, even if i believe in what i said or did, i need to do so with honor and respect of how you feel. Now those last few lines must be a little confusing, compared to what is written on the side of this page, but that 'further explanation' is about this blog, and what might be written here at some point, so I will be unapologetic, about what i SAY here, it does not necessarily, mean that i am an unapologetic person. Yes i can be a bit of a hard ass, but i am also kind loving and compasionate, i care when i fuck up, and try to make things right, but i will not lay down my beliefs and compromise my feelings just to serve you. I know that not everyone i will meet will have and share my same views, but i hope that we can agree to disagree. I aslo know that some humans are just trsh and deserve non of my compasion, love nor will i share my faith and hope with them, i need to be genuine and sincer, and not half ass my way through life. I see a lot of people saying one thing and doing another.
I like to make sure that my feet line up with my mouth so i can sleep at night.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Madison Days Revisited part 1

When i was 14 i got into a lot of trouble, as a result of my not having healthy coping skills for the feelings i had over my parents divorce, within a year i had run away, been to juvenile hall, gotten put on probation till i was 18 and numerous other dumb shit. The price i paid was huge, but there were also lessons that i learned, growth and amazing living experiences that cannot otherwise be had unless there were those hard ships. Someday, other than today, I will write on those experiences, today though I am going to talk about just one of those experiences. Like i said, there were hard lessons, and good experiences, one of those experiences was that I got kicked out of my step fathers house and had to go and spend a summer with my father who had recently relocated to beautiful and sometimes frozen Madison Wisnonsin. So there i was, in the middle of goddamn nowhere, basicaly alone, except for my father, step mom and 3 younger sisters, I was originaly only supposed to stay a summer, but i learned come september that i was screwed and that it would be some time before i got to see The Bay again, in fact it would be 3 years before i finally got back home to visit, and by that time i had finished (ok not finished in technical terms, I recieved my G.E.D.) high school, had a job and and apartment with a great bunch of outcasts simular to myself.
when i was still in high school I met my friend Mike Wallace (no, not the guy from 60 minutes) at a Motorhead show - it was the 10th anniversary tour at Turner Hall. We found out that we lived close to eachother, and started hanging out, and became instant best friends, and he is still my friend today. However, this write up is not about that relationship anyway. Through Mike I met George, Jason, Larry, and Greg, and many, many others, one of those 'others' was my dear friend Mary Herson. I met Mary at a Die Kreuzen show, back then she had the very dubious nickname of Mad Dog, which is a punk as fuck nick name if ever there was one, especialy for it to be attatched to a quiet and reserved girl such as Mary. A few years later we would become roomates, and she went on to marry my buddy Randy and have 2 amazing sons. However, life happens unexpectedly and we had drifted apart for 15 years do to many different reasons that someday i will post here on Rogue Libels, but thanks to the internet we have been in steady contact once again, and semed to have picked up right where we had left off, talking, laughing and sharing our apreciation of music. Back when we were teenagers we had gone to lots of punk shows, local punk ragers Die Kreuzen, Mi art punk The Crucifucks, had made heavy rotation in Madison in those days and those are stand out shows that i remeber dearly. But this post isnt about those bands either.
What this post IS about is the wonderful thing that happened between then and now, you see somehow, someway, incredibly, I grew up and so did Mary, I'm sure in some way we will always have a little bit of that teen angst that we had shared way back when, the drunken all night parties high on cough syrup and jim beam, or the hot summer nights when her and randy would come home and find me passed out on their fron porch. Neither one of us are in Madison anymore, we still have ties there and will forever be connected to that incredible city, but for now we share our moments talking about what its like today instead of what it was like then, its always better to stay in the here and now, and not stay stuck in the 'remember when'. Those were fun times, but we've let go and became the productive and responsible adults that were waiting to come out of those angry teen bodies. Recently we had been sharing some files over the interwebs and she sent me a link to what has to be some of the most heartfelt non metal music i have heard in a while. I know most of my family and friends know me as a straight up metal head, and yes it is my first love, and rocknroll in general is my love and passion, but when i need a break i can look beyond the inverted crosses and corpse paint and blood splattered death and throw on something different. This by no means is a music blog, it is though my way of getting stuff from inside my heart and head, out into the open.
Thank you Mary for so many years of friendship, this ones for you

but first I would like you all to read this

and DL it here

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Something Old (In Case You Missed It)

Thursday, July 03, 2008

as some of you may know, my father is still clinging onto his decrepit life, haggard and weak, unaware of his surroundings, when i was with him, he never even recognized me, although i am certain he knew who i was, and my sisters as well, his withered state, and dulled senses, from all the morphine, has takin his voice and atrofied his muscles, the doctor told us that the bone cancer is so far along, that his bones no longer retain calcium, and that the calcium contenet in his blood stream is the worse he has ever seen.
i find it extremely ironic that a man that has abused woman and children, physicaly and emotionaly, now lays unable to move on his own, trapped in his own skin, a man that has said some horrible things, things that i am not comfortable saying here, a man that once beat up my brother becouse he finished the last of the milk, now is unable to speak.
i had at one point during the visit asked everyone to clear the room so that i may have a moment alone with my father, i had told him that i forgive him for everything and that i no longer blame him for my troubles and weather he understood or not, i had to tell him for my piece of mind, i think he was comprehending what i was saying becouse he did however mumble the words 'sorry for being such a hard ass' to me that made the trip all worth it, it was the second thing i could make out of his garbled, doped up babble, that was after he asked me if i could 'get him a beer', yes even in his last moments here on this earth, his disease has an iron grip on him and is a big part of the condition he is in today.
i had lost it, after years of knowing this moment would come, years of holding resentment and hate, holding back pain, misery, feelings of abandonment and abuse, he did after all walk out on us kids, and did the same with my 2 half sisters, and the 3 sons he had before he met my mom and had my 2 sisters and i, he is a big fat loser, it is what it is, i do not have to hold back, i am a grown man, and can be comfortable in having these feelings, and not have to numb them out, but instead i can walk through them and be better prepared for when those feelings come up again, and know that there deep rooted and the scars are deep, but i chose not to let then over run my life, becouse they are just that, 'feelings' and they dod not have to rule my life, and i do not have to let them affect the choices i make, today my choices are more in tune with what is the next best thing, not whats my feeling on the matter.
going through this is huge in my recovery, not just the feelings, and the forgiveness, but being greatfull that i had the opertunity to make the trip, to go and be by my fathers side, the first day he i was there, i had walked into the room and held his hand and told him 'it doesn't matter the circumstances which brought me here, but the fact that i am here now, is whats important' he was loaded on morphine, so i highly doubt he knew what the fuck i was talking about, but i said it, and that had been on my mind as we were taking the elevator up to his room.
back to the few minutes i had alone with my dad, he slurred something about repositioning him on his bed, so i put my hands under him and lifeted him up higher on the hospital bed, and for some reason some buzzer had gone off and my first thought was "oh great someones going to walk in here and see me hunched over this frail old man, and think i'm trying to put him out of his misery" but no one came in and i was able to remain by his side and tell him that "its ok to let go and that his mom, and brothers are waiting for him, theres no need in extending the pain" i had said more, but the exact details escape me at this time.
meeting a half brother and 2 half sisters that were ages 16, 13, and 12 was wierd to say the least, i mean i have nieces and a nephew that age. dumbass dad has to go and be a complete loser and have kids when hes like 60 an shit, christ i feel bad for the kids, i get to come home, they have to stay there in Mora Mn, in the middle of nowhere, no choice but to grow up in poverty and squalor, much like we did the first 11 years of my life, a dead beat dad who never had a regular job in his life. i would have loved to bring them home and give them a fighting chance to make something of themselves, but i will leave that up to god, and the state, becouse theres a good chance their mom will lose them after my dad passes, she is unstable and has in the past been hospitalized for mental health reaasons, and that my friends is an entirly different blog.
but it is what it is, and i leave Mn with the sense of closer and i did my part and was there to say my piece and have that part of my life help me better understand what it takes to show up for my life and be a part of other peoples lives who i will affect, whether i like it or not, becouse its part of the 'responsibleand productive' thing we're always talking about. i mention this becouse i had a nice long talk with my brother Mario, who at 16 is on probation for 2 more years, been in trouble at school, and is showing signs of addiction, i told him what i've done and where it got me, and the program that i work now, and he was very receptive. wich was a great sign, i hope he makes the right choices in his life, i can only hope and pray things work out for him and my sisters. there is 'worse case, best case scenarios' but i will spare you all the details. i was seperated for 18 years from my sisters Corinna and Angela but god and myspace brought us back together, so i have faith.
it wasn't all drama out there, my sisters and i had fun on the road, got lost on some country highway, and in town, we went to The Mall of America, and did some shopping, man that place is big, we were ther for like 5 hours and still only saw a small part of it. i did some 'retail therapy' and broke down and gots me a fancy new Blackberry 'Curve' my old phone was dying, and it was over a year old anyway, my sisters bought a couple pairs of shoes, and if i had brought a bigger suitcase i would have bought some more stuff, my sisters reminded me that 'i could buy a new suitecase' har har har, yeah but i'd also have to pay an additional 25 bucks to check it at the airlines.
so we walked around, ate, and drank smoothies, then when it was time to go and return the rental car, we took another wrong turn and ended up like 3 miles from our terminal, good thing they have a 'light rail', made to the security check and realized i had a unopened 16 oz. mountain dew in my messenger bag (along with my laptop, ipod, and digital camera) so i knew i wouldn't be alowed to take it through, so i opened it and cranked down the whole thing in less than a minute, the security dude was like 'well i guess you aint gonna sleep on this flight'. we found the bording gate and i was just so fucking ready to get home. long ass flight, 3 and a half hours later we landed safely at SFO, now i know some of you probaly flown all over the world with like 15 hr + plane rides, but after the few days with my father, and the emotional turmoil going on in my head, the trip itself had it been for like vacation , or go outa town to go check out the world, without the distress of people on their deathbed, and all that comes along with it, it was in fact a long 5 days.
home at last on wednesday night i was full of gratitude and humboled that i was able to walk that path, and show up not just for my father, but for my own recovery to walk through that difficulty and learn and grow from the whole experience.
thank you all for the support, your constance messages, phone calls, text msgs, and comments all helped me make it through it knowing that i wasn't alone, becouse you all were there with me in my heart. and i am not sure how it would have turned out had i not had all that love and support.
i've said it since i let you all know about this situation, and i will say it again THANK YOU

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

First Post

i needed a place to vent,

so i created this blog

thats about it