its been a while since i posted anything here....
haven't been feeling too inspired lately, work, work and work, its a good thing i suppose with so many people not having jobs and the economy in the shitter, but i need to get back here and keep doing what i was doing a while ago.
i enjoy it, and it makes me feel better when i write, but sometime the process of sitting here at my desk, music in the background, the rain tapping on the window and my coffee by my side some how are all coming together to bring me here again, to this blog, getting stuff that locked up in my brain and out into words. Distractions might be - what should i be doing? - which is nothing in particular, my mom and i had been on a roll with spring gardening, but two weeks ago i had to help my sister move, that took up pretty much all day, the the next Sunday my friend Pete and i went to a show at The Knockout and were treated to some incredible riffing by the Seattle avant metal band Lesbian - who absolutely crushed my brain - cant beat those 5 dollar shows - other local bands prog rockers Grayceon also played but we didn't stick around for them, seen them a bunch and we wanted to get home at a reasonable hour. Also appearing was a band that i had heard of but had never seen was Hazards Cure - crushing doomed out down tuned blackened metal - a real unexpected listen.
I am not about to make this blog a music/show review, its just randomness, sometimes you get a story of my wacky past, sometimes you will get a a post a bout my displeasure's with society, oh and i did post up some music - which you should (all 35 of you that have viewed this blog) DL - it can be found at the end of the 'Madison Days revisited pt1' posting
So here i sit, telling you about my boring life - well its not that boring - i go to shows, i hang out with friends and we have fun, and maybe i should take more pictures as proof - well you can see the gardening pics of me and my mom - over on my facebook page - not sure yet if I've posted links to there on the Rouge Libels page yet - i do know that you can get here from there, but not there from here - yeah that makes a lot of sense - NOT
OK, I'm going to finish this cup and get a fresh one - and lets see what comes up....
perhaps and old tale of misspent youth, or perhaps a little anecdote about life, lost love and the dreaded horrors of the downward spiral of the mundane life of a machine operator in a print shop
We'll see...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Last Call
The first time i got drunk I was 8. It was a one of our family parties at my aunt Glorias house in Woodacre. People were dancing to the smooth and groovey sounds of the 70's. it must have been the holidays because somehow i had gotten my hands on a glass of brandy and eggnog. Shortly after that first glass that i had picked up off the table, i was hiding under the table with the booze and mixers making my own drinks, and getting hammmered, i enjoyed the warm feeling of lightheadedness and the funny feeling of being dizzy, it reminded me of jumping off the merry-go-round and being all disoriented. Afetr a few cocktails, i realized that something was wrong, and i made my way to the middle of the living room floor where everyone was dancing and having fun, and I proceeded to projectile vomit, while spinning around, so my barf was flying everywhere and making a huge nasty mess. After i was done i passed out and my parents took me home, and it was pretty much a joke, with little or no concequences. It is sad looking back how nothing was really made of it, perhaps with my parents own partying it was to be expected that i eventualy find my own way to the table with alcohol on it, I dont know, nor does it really matter, it was what it was. By the time i was 11 i was smoking weed underneith our house with my friend Morgan. At 11, 12, and 13 i was already partying pretty hard with older family members and older kids and friends of the family who would score dope for me and my friends, buy booze for us and also provide us safe places to drink and do dope.
By the time i was 18 i was using some sort of substance regularly, and had tried all of availible drugs, the list is long, and i had injested them in every way possible - except the one way that we all at one point said "I'd NEVER do THAT" - we'll eventualy i did do THAT - and that story may or may not show up here. I was happy being the party animal that i was, i was good at it and good at always bouncing right back even from putting a pretty big heat on. It just seemed natural to me, I drank, i got drunk, i sometimes fell down, no problem. This lasted for years. The stories are many, some funny, some not so funny, and in fact some of the places where my drug and alcohol dependency had taken me were bleak, and far removed from any and all "fun".
fast foward to December, 1998, i was going to be 30 in less than a month, i had accepted that harsh reality, and my big move was to shave my head and lose my hair that at that time was about half way down my back. I realize now that my outsides had nothing to do with my insides, and the new look fitted me for a while and i kinda liked it for a little while, but i did in fact miss my hair, but thought it would take too long to regrow it and after about 6 years of sporting the buzz cut i did in fact grow my hair out agin. But this write up isn't about my hair.
I have two older sisters, one of which plays in a pool league up in Sonoma county, and her team was and is quite good, and in dec of 1998 had finished with all kinds of fantasic honors and were invited to the big award ceremony were they would be given trophies and plaques and other things of importance that had the team name, their individual names and whatnot - my sister in fact had received a rather large trophy with her name on it and it still stands on her fire place mantel today.
My sister had invited my to come and enjoy the ceremoies, and that she had a friend who was interested in meeting me - oh and there will be a 'open bar'. That was the plan, meet her friend, check out the pool league hoopla and call it a night. I get picked up by her friend who turns out is nothing what i expected (note to self, keep expectations low, as to never be dissapointed) I instantly cop an attitude. Pre-ceremonies, we (thats 'we as in my sister, her husband, and the friend who wanted to meet me, and myself) stop at bar for which my sister represents for her pool team. We have a few drinks, i believe i started out with shots of Jagermeister and washing them down with Anchor Steams. They took the edge off me not getting the hottie for a blind date that i had wanted - at least for a little while.
Shortly after the pre-ceremony drinks we get to the huge Veterans Hall that was reneted out for this hugely anticipated event. I was not one of the people that cared about this stuff, i just wanted the open bar and the hot blind date, but hey 1 out of 2 aint band. So the seats are all marked off with what team sits where and the team logos are all layed out nicely and the whole thing is looking (in my mind) real cheesey, its a freaking pool leage, not a charity event. But who am I? Just and obsever. Then a realized i needed a drink, several in fact, so I sauntered on over to the bar area, and stared in on getting smashed, first up was numerous rum and cokes, i remeber killing at least one whole bottle to myself, amazingly i was still on my feet. I managed through the borish handing out of trophies while making small talk to the local about "yeah im Mia's younger brother, blah blah blah". At this point I had lost any and all interest in the date - not that i had any to begin with - but i do remeber being outside having a smoke and telling her "i'd fuck you but i dont want you to fall in love with me" - she slapped me and left. I didnt care, in fact i still dont.
After the event my sister, brother in law, and I went back to the bar that we had started at, and this is where the fun really begins. I had grown tired of the rum and cokes, so i switched to vodka and tonic, and had probably five or six of those, and i was i full on asshole mode by then. I killed the vodka, then switched to gin. By now i was getting sick of the rednecks up there in sonoman county, and i was making damn sure that they would be sick of me, i i had a few beers to wash down all the vodka, gin and rum and i was up in peoples faces shouting on and on about whoknowswhat. My brother in law suggested that we go outside and smoke a joint to mellow out. On the way out I was told that i grabbed some dudes wifes ass, to wich he took exception, we took the argument outside, and started fighting, i remeber holding my own, up until he kicked me with his goddamn cowboy boots, nailed me right in the knee, how he got me in the knee is still a question, I think maybe he was trying to kick me in the balls and missed, and instead took out my knee cap, it had hurt for weeks after that. I had conceeded defeat after that and was willing to try an walk away with as much dignity as possible. However, in my inebriated state i still managed to slur a few more insults just for good measure. None of this was going over very well with neither my sister, nor my brother-in-law, this was a bar that they frequented, my sister even worked there as well as represented them in the Sonoma County Pool League. So for her younger brother to come up there, make a fool out of himself, get into a fight, and manage to piss off generaly everyone in the whole bar by my antics, my general disdane for their cowboyish living style - making note of their 'incestuous, hillbilly, ass-backwards town'. My sister had tried callming me down, to wich i replied "fuck you" (she still reminds me of that one).
After the fighting, the insulting and the draining the bar of the rum, the vodka the bottle of Jager, and no less that six Anchor Steams, we made it back to my sister and brother-in-laws house. I was reminded of what an ass i had been, what i had said and done, and the problems that i had caused. I decided i had had enough and was time to pass out. I was shown the guest bedroom, where i had landed on the bed nicely, fully clothed. Then i woke up, smashing head, throbbing knee, and turning stomach. I needed to get to the bathroom, to relieve my stomach of what must have been enough alcohol to kill a person less than my size. To my dismay, the door was locked. Was this an evil plan to keep me from tearing up my sisters house? Was this their way of making sure i dont secretly sneak into the bar in their living room and consume even more liquor? Either way i needed to get out of that room before what was floating around in my stomach came up. I pounded on the door askeing to "LET ME OUT OF HERE", but my cries went unanswered. I turnd the nob, pulled on the door, but nothing happened. I had no alternative. I need to purge the poison from my body, so I opened up the closet door and proceeded to let lose. Heave after heave, of what seemed like gallons of toxic fluid came gushing out of my mouth. Truely a wreched sight and smell if ever there was one, all that booze, with god only remebers what for dinner. All emptied onto the floor of my sisters guest room closet.
I wish it was over that soon, but it was not. The dry heaves reminded me that i had over done it far and beyond what any 'normal' person should have consumed. Over and over again I coughed nothing but air, but the wretching of my insides that it caused hurt much worse that if there were actual substance to be expelled. the residual effects of those dry heaves lasted me as long as the damage done to me knee from the fight that i had gotten into. I remeber not being able to take full breaths for some time after that, i had heard from a friend that in some cases that you can actualy 'displace' the abdominal diaphragm - i think thats what i must have done - although i never went to to a doctor to be professionally examined, I do know that it hurt like a mother fucker to breath.
I eventualy 'come to' and realize in the late afternoon, after sleeping off the last of the booze, that i was not in fact locked in, i was just so wasted that i failed to realize that the door open opposite from how i was trying to get out, like i had mentioned before, i was pulling on the door, but in fact the door opened the other direction, all I had needed to do was push the door open, and the mess in the closet could have been avoided. Slowly i stagger out to the living room to find my brother-in-law sitting on the couch, my sister was already out the door and off at work, and he filled me in on all the details that i might have blanked, the fight , the grabbing of the ass that led up to that, the insulting fellow bar patrons, this disrepecting of mysister, this this, the that, the list was quite extensive, and i am sure that I left out somethings, but the bottom line is that, although there might have been nights prior that i got into far worse trouble - which i there is, and there had been nights that i had too much to drink, this night stand as the night that i had a hangover that lasted for what seemed like a week. My body was hurt - yeah i had been in fights and sustained bumps and bruises, hell that wasnt even a knock 'em out drag em out fist to cuffs, that was more of a drunken roll around in the dirt some hill billy who had it not been for those boots and my broth-in-law there to break it up, could have gone to that breaking point of 'survival mode'. I cleaned up the puke in the closet, I apologised to my brother in law for making an ass out of myself and causing him any embarassment.
Later in the afternoon my sister got home and i hear it all over again about what a jerk iwas and how i embarassed her, and made a mess and every other thing that i had already tried piecing together from the previous night. It was a long ride home that day, I was not feeling good physically, which i could live with, I had made a complete ass out of myself, which I could live with as well, but i was my actions that had such a negative impact on those around me that really had me thinking about how I might be able to avoid such a problem in the futre. The next few days i decided to dry up for a bit, never really concidering quiting drinking all together, but mearly take a break so my body could heal, and my feelings of guilt and shame would go away. My body was wrecked for what seemed like weeks, my knee was sore, my guts shredded from the projectile vomiting, nerves fraid from hearing residual stories still pouring in from my idiocy. My brain and body finally got back to normal, and i had concluded that a break from the drinking would deffinatly be a good idea. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months turned to years, i was feeling good about myself and making much better choices in life, and i was feeling the freedom of not waking up every moring asking myself "what happened last night?" At two years without a drink I had thought that maybe i could have "just one" but I knew that one today meant two tomorrow, and then a six pack on the weekend and then its right back where i started and pretty soon i would be having episodes like I did that night of Dec 19th 1998, those thoughts of "just one" last a couple weeks, and i fought them off, and i am happy to say that to this day i have not drank since, I do wish though that I could say that 12/19/98 is my actual sobriety date, it is not, it was my last night drinking, but i found other substances to that woull later cause just as many problems as the booze did, and I will write about those eventualy as well. This post is about my last night drinking, and thats the main story here, with a little bit of the stories that have happened prior and since.
I still wonder how I've been abe to do it, I do know this, I have done it one day at a time, some days I dont even think about it, and other days the voice in the back of my head is still telling me "just one" - but i dont listen to that noise, i have new found support that helps, i have friends that care and I do not have to torment myself, I remember that sickening feeling of that night and i am instantly reminded why i stay away from mood and mind altering substances. In closing i would like to mention that i did eventualy get clean and sober from all forms of substances and in time i will write about some of the stories that led up to my finding recovery.
By the time i was 18 i was using some sort of substance regularly, and had tried all of availible drugs, the list is long, and i had injested them in every way possible - except the one way that we all at one point said "I'd NEVER do THAT" - we'll eventualy i did do THAT - and that story may or may not show up here. I was happy being the party animal that i was, i was good at it and good at always bouncing right back even from putting a pretty big heat on. It just seemed natural to me, I drank, i got drunk, i sometimes fell down, no problem. This lasted for years. The stories are many, some funny, some not so funny, and in fact some of the places where my drug and alcohol dependency had taken me were bleak, and far removed from any and all "fun".
fast foward to December, 1998, i was going to be 30 in less than a month, i had accepted that harsh reality, and my big move was to shave my head and lose my hair that at that time was about half way down my back. I realize now that my outsides had nothing to do with my insides, and the new look fitted me for a while and i kinda liked it for a little while, but i did in fact miss my hair, but thought it would take too long to regrow it and after about 6 years of sporting the buzz cut i did in fact grow my hair out agin. But this write up isn't about my hair.
I have two older sisters, one of which plays in a pool league up in Sonoma county, and her team was and is quite good, and in dec of 1998 had finished with all kinds of fantasic honors and were invited to the big award ceremony were they would be given trophies and plaques and other things of importance that had the team name, their individual names and whatnot - my sister in fact had received a rather large trophy with her name on it and it still stands on her fire place mantel today.
My sister had invited my to come and enjoy the ceremoies, and that she had a friend who was interested in meeting me - oh and there will be a 'open bar'. That was the plan, meet her friend, check out the pool league hoopla and call it a night. I get picked up by her friend who turns out is nothing what i expected (note to self, keep expectations low, as to never be dissapointed) I instantly cop an attitude. Pre-ceremonies, we (thats 'we as in my sister, her husband, and the friend who wanted to meet me, and myself) stop at bar for which my sister represents for her pool team. We have a few drinks, i believe i started out with shots of Jagermeister and washing them down with Anchor Steams. They took the edge off me not getting the hottie for a blind date that i had wanted - at least for a little while.
Shortly after the pre-ceremony drinks we get to the huge Veterans Hall that was reneted out for this hugely anticipated event. I was not one of the people that cared about this stuff, i just wanted the open bar and the hot blind date, but hey 1 out of 2 aint band. So the seats are all marked off with what team sits where and the team logos are all layed out nicely and the whole thing is looking (in my mind) real cheesey, its a freaking pool leage, not a charity event. But who am I? Just and obsever. Then a realized i needed a drink, several in fact, so I sauntered on over to the bar area, and stared in on getting smashed, first up was numerous rum and cokes, i remeber killing at least one whole bottle to myself, amazingly i was still on my feet. I managed through the borish handing out of trophies while making small talk to the local about "yeah im Mia's younger brother, blah blah blah". At this point I had lost any and all interest in the date - not that i had any to begin with - but i do remeber being outside having a smoke and telling her "i'd fuck you but i dont want you to fall in love with me" - she slapped me and left. I didnt care, in fact i still dont.
After the event my sister, brother in law, and I went back to the bar that we had started at, and this is where the fun really begins. I had grown tired of the rum and cokes, so i switched to vodka and tonic, and had probably five or six of those, and i was i full on asshole mode by then. I killed the vodka, then switched to gin. By now i was getting sick of the rednecks up there in sonoman county, and i was making damn sure that they would be sick of me, i i had a few beers to wash down all the vodka, gin and rum and i was up in peoples faces shouting on and on about whoknowswhat. My brother in law suggested that we go outside and smoke a joint to mellow out. On the way out I was told that i grabbed some dudes wifes ass, to wich he took exception, we took the argument outside, and started fighting, i remeber holding my own, up until he kicked me with his goddamn cowboy boots, nailed me right in the knee, how he got me in the knee is still a question, I think maybe he was trying to kick me in the balls and missed, and instead took out my knee cap, it had hurt for weeks after that. I had conceeded defeat after that and was willing to try an walk away with as much dignity as possible. However, in my inebriated state i still managed to slur a few more insults just for good measure. None of this was going over very well with neither my sister, nor my brother-in-law, this was a bar that they frequented, my sister even worked there as well as represented them in the Sonoma County Pool League. So for her younger brother to come up there, make a fool out of himself, get into a fight, and manage to piss off generaly everyone in the whole bar by my antics, my general disdane for their cowboyish living style - making note of their 'incestuous, hillbilly, ass-backwards town'. My sister had tried callming me down, to wich i replied "fuck you" (she still reminds me of that one).
After the fighting, the insulting and the draining the bar of the rum, the vodka the bottle of Jager, and no less that six Anchor Steams, we made it back to my sister and brother-in-laws house. I was reminded of what an ass i had been, what i had said and done, and the problems that i had caused. I decided i had had enough and was time to pass out. I was shown the guest bedroom, where i had landed on the bed nicely, fully clothed. Then i woke up, smashing head, throbbing knee, and turning stomach. I needed to get to the bathroom, to relieve my stomach of what must have been enough alcohol to kill a person less than my size. To my dismay, the door was locked. Was this an evil plan to keep me from tearing up my sisters house? Was this their way of making sure i dont secretly sneak into the bar in their living room and consume even more liquor? Either way i needed to get out of that room before what was floating around in my stomach came up. I pounded on the door askeing to "LET ME OUT OF HERE", but my cries went unanswered. I turnd the nob, pulled on the door, but nothing happened. I had no alternative. I need to purge the poison from my body, so I opened up the closet door and proceeded to let lose. Heave after heave, of what seemed like gallons of toxic fluid came gushing out of my mouth. Truely a wreched sight and smell if ever there was one, all that booze, with god only remebers what for dinner. All emptied onto the floor of my sisters guest room closet.
I wish it was over that soon, but it was not. The dry heaves reminded me that i had over done it far and beyond what any 'normal' person should have consumed. Over and over again I coughed nothing but air, but the wretching of my insides that it caused hurt much worse that if there were actual substance to be expelled. the residual effects of those dry heaves lasted me as long as the damage done to me knee from the fight that i had gotten into. I remeber not being able to take full breaths for some time after that, i had heard from a friend that in some cases that you can actualy 'displace' the abdominal diaphragm - i think thats what i must have done - although i never went to to a doctor to be professionally examined, I do know that it hurt like a mother fucker to breath.
I eventualy 'come to' and realize in the late afternoon, after sleeping off the last of the booze, that i was not in fact locked in, i was just so wasted that i failed to realize that the door open opposite from how i was trying to get out, like i had mentioned before, i was pulling on the door, but in fact the door opened the other direction, all I had needed to do was push the door open, and the mess in the closet could have been avoided. Slowly i stagger out to the living room to find my brother-in-law sitting on the couch, my sister was already out the door and off at work, and he filled me in on all the details that i might have blanked, the fight , the grabbing of the ass that led up to that, the insulting fellow bar patrons, this disrepecting of mysister, this this, the that, the list was quite extensive, and i am sure that I left out somethings, but the bottom line is that, although there might have been nights prior that i got into far worse trouble - which i there is, and there had been nights that i had too much to drink, this night stand as the night that i had a hangover that lasted for what seemed like a week. My body was hurt - yeah i had been in fights and sustained bumps and bruises, hell that wasnt even a knock 'em out drag em out fist to cuffs, that was more of a drunken roll around in the dirt some hill billy who had it not been for those boots and my broth-in-law there to break it up, could have gone to that breaking point of 'survival mode'. I cleaned up the puke in the closet, I apologised to my brother in law for making an ass out of myself and causing him any embarassment.
Later in the afternoon my sister got home and i hear it all over again about what a jerk iwas and how i embarassed her, and made a mess and every other thing that i had already tried piecing together from the previous night. It was a long ride home that day, I was not feeling good physically, which i could live with, I had made a complete ass out of myself, which I could live with as well, but i was my actions that had such a negative impact on those around me that really had me thinking about how I might be able to avoid such a problem in the futre. The next few days i decided to dry up for a bit, never really concidering quiting drinking all together, but mearly take a break so my body could heal, and my feelings of guilt and shame would go away. My body was wrecked for what seemed like weeks, my knee was sore, my guts shredded from the projectile vomiting, nerves fraid from hearing residual stories still pouring in from my idiocy. My brain and body finally got back to normal, and i had concluded that a break from the drinking would deffinatly be a good idea. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months turned to years, i was feeling good about myself and making much better choices in life, and i was feeling the freedom of not waking up every moring asking myself "what happened last night?" At two years without a drink I had thought that maybe i could have "just one" but I knew that one today meant two tomorrow, and then a six pack on the weekend and then its right back where i started and pretty soon i would be having episodes like I did that night of Dec 19th 1998, those thoughts of "just one" last a couple weeks, and i fought them off, and i am happy to say that to this day i have not drank since, I do wish though that I could say that 12/19/98 is my actual sobriety date, it is not, it was my last night drinking, but i found other substances to that woull later cause just as many problems as the booze did, and I will write about those eventualy as well. This post is about my last night drinking, and thats the main story here, with a little bit of the stories that have happened prior and since.
I still wonder how I've been abe to do it, I do know this, I have done it one day at a time, some days I dont even think about it, and other days the voice in the back of my head is still telling me "just one" - but i dont listen to that noise, i have new found support that helps, i have friends that care and I do not have to torment myself, I remember that sickening feeling of that night and i am instantly reminded why i stay away from mood and mind altering substances. In closing i would like to mention that i did eventualy get clean and sober from all forms of substances and in time i will write about some of the stories that led up to my finding recovery.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Sick
Sorry for no posts the last couple of weeks, I have been sick and not able to sit for too long at my computer.
I am working on a new story and as soon as its finished it will be here for all to read.
I am hoping to have it finished and posted by the end of the weekend.
thank you for yourt patience
I am working on a new story and as soon as its finished it will be here for all to read.
I am hoping to have it finished and posted by the end of the weekend.
thank you for yourt patience
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A Vociferous Declination
Sometimes i speak before i think and not everything that comes out is exactly what i intended, that is the downside, the upside is that after i have cause a little bit of wreckage i can usualy pick up the broken bits and move on. I dont have to dwell on shit, even though sometimes things do tend to get stuck in-between my ears, and i get to work on those things. Would i like to not always put my foot in my mouth, of course, but i am human, fully fallible, and prone to mistakes. I can own that, i can see my part amd i will honor when i am wrong
I can't beat myself up. Nor will i stay stuck so that i cannot move forward and live my life. I once heard that it doesn't matter if you pick yourself up after getting knocked on your ass, but how fast you get back up.
I like that.
I must have faith that i can and will practice forgivness, because i know that in time i will need to be forgiven. And it is with that that i say that i can and will be a work in progress, never gona get it right the first time, and there will be a few bumps in the road, and there will be some major road construction going on. Its just part of the deal. I dont get it when people try an be perfect and correct others and tell them how to act, or talk , what they should or shouldn't say, what to wear, what to eat or how to spell. let people be people, let them make their own damn mistakes, and leave them be. Done get all bent out of shape when the person next to you slis and fall and takes you down when trying to catch themselves - that when we get to see who gets up first, because i know that i dont enjoy being down, i was there long enough to know when shits gone wrong and there aint no one to blame but ourselves.
Sure we can point fingers, "you did this, they did that' - so what, take responsibility for your own actions and be the difference. Make that change, have a positive, lasting effect, dont puss out and stand there like the shit that just got thrown didnt get on you. Because it happens, we do tend to think we are above that and 'i dont do that' - well fuck you you DO do THAT, you DO fuck up, and when you make a mistake, and when the time comes to own up to your fucked up behavior, you had better ask yourself which way your gonna go - are you going to be a sensless turd without compassion? or are you gonna own it, embrace your humaness and grow. I chose to grow, even though sometimes the fucked up feeling of having to humol up and lower down and say soe words that usualy we dont want to say, but we have to walk through that, no way around it, we're going to get to practice how to live a little bit, even though by living we may have to go through a whole lot of pain. But pain is a necessary learning experience.
It makes us whole, it is the cycle that if we chose to go through thoses lows, then the highs feel that much higher. And the best part is, that we are now familiar with that pain, we get to recognize those feelings, and what our 'triggers' are. For me, I tend not to be so sensitive or empathize too well, but i try, i practice, and i am sincere when i say i am sorry, even i i think i was right, if i hurt people, i apologise, it was never my intension to purposely hurt you, well unless i smashed you in the face, but i havent had to do that i a while, but again what im trying to say is, even if i believe in what i said or did, i need to do so with honor and respect of how you feel. Now those last few lines must be a little confusing, compared to what is written on the side of this page, but that 'further explanation' is about this blog, and what might be written here at some point, so I will be unapologetic, about what i SAY here, it does not necessarily, mean that i am an unapologetic person. Yes i can be a bit of a hard ass, but i am also kind loving and compasionate, i care when i fuck up, and try to make things right, but i will not lay down my beliefs and compromise my feelings just to serve you. I know that not everyone i will meet will have and share my same views, but i hope that we can agree to disagree. I aslo know that some humans are just trsh and deserve non of my compasion, love nor will i share my faith and hope with them, i need to be genuine and sincer, and not half ass my way through life. I see a lot of people saying one thing and doing another.
I like to make sure that my feet line up with my mouth so i can sleep at night.
I can't beat myself up. Nor will i stay stuck so that i cannot move forward and live my life. I once heard that it doesn't matter if you pick yourself up after getting knocked on your ass, but how fast you get back up.
I like that.
I must have faith that i can and will practice forgivness, because i know that in time i will need to be forgiven. And it is with that that i say that i can and will be a work in progress, never gona get it right the first time, and there will be a few bumps in the road, and there will be some major road construction going on. Its just part of the deal. I dont get it when people try an be perfect and correct others and tell them how to act, or talk , what they should or shouldn't say, what to wear, what to eat or how to spell. let people be people, let them make their own damn mistakes, and leave them be. Done get all bent out of shape when the person next to you slis and fall and takes you down when trying to catch themselves - that when we get to see who gets up first, because i know that i dont enjoy being down, i was there long enough to know when shits gone wrong and there aint no one to blame but ourselves.
Sure we can point fingers, "you did this, they did that' - so what, take responsibility for your own actions and be the difference. Make that change, have a positive, lasting effect, dont puss out and stand there like the shit that just got thrown didnt get on you. Because it happens, we do tend to think we are above that and 'i dont do that' - well fuck you you DO do THAT, you DO fuck up, and when you make a mistake, and when the time comes to own up to your fucked up behavior, you had better ask yourself which way your gonna go - are you going to be a sensless turd without compassion? or are you gonna own it, embrace your humaness and grow. I chose to grow, even though sometimes the fucked up feeling of having to humol up and lower down and say soe words that usualy we dont want to say, but we have to walk through that, no way around it, we're going to get to practice how to live a little bit, even though by living we may have to go through a whole lot of pain. But pain is a necessary learning experience.
It makes us whole, it is the cycle that if we chose to go through thoses lows, then the highs feel that much higher. And the best part is, that we are now familiar with that pain, we get to recognize those feelings, and what our 'triggers' are. For me, I tend not to be so sensitive or empathize too well, but i try, i practice, and i am sincere when i say i am sorry, even i i think i was right, if i hurt people, i apologise, it was never my intension to purposely hurt you, well unless i smashed you in the face, but i havent had to do that i a while, but again what im trying to say is, even if i believe in what i said or did, i need to do so with honor and respect of how you feel. Now those last few lines must be a little confusing, compared to what is written on the side of this page, but that 'further explanation' is about this blog, and what might be written here at some point, so I will be unapologetic, about what i SAY here, it does not necessarily, mean that i am an unapologetic person. Yes i can be a bit of a hard ass, but i am also kind loving and compasionate, i care when i fuck up, and try to make things right, but i will not lay down my beliefs and compromise my feelings just to serve you. I know that not everyone i will meet will have and share my same views, but i hope that we can agree to disagree. I aslo know that some humans are just trsh and deserve non of my compasion, love nor will i share my faith and hope with them, i need to be genuine and sincer, and not half ass my way through life. I see a lot of people saying one thing and doing another.
I like to make sure that my feet line up with my mouth so i can sleep at night.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Madison Days Revisited part 1
When i was 14 i got into a lot of trouble, as a result of my not having healthy coping skills for the feelings i had over my parents divorce, within a year i had run away, been to juvenile hall, gotten put on probation till i was 18 and numerous other dumb shit. The price i paid was huge, but there were also lessons that i learned, growth and amazing living experiences that cannot otherwise be had unless there were those hard ships. Someday, other than today, I will write on those experiences, today though I am going to talk about just one of those experiences. Like i said, there were hard lessons, and good experiences, one of those experiences was that I got kicked out of my step fathers house and had to go and spend a summer with my father who had recently relocated to beautiful and sometimes frozen Madison Wisnonsin. So there i was, in the middle of goddamn nowhere, basicaly alone, except for my father, step mom and 3 younger sisters, I was originaly only supposed to stay a summer, but i learned come september that i was screwed and that it would be some time before i got to see The Bay again, in fact it would be 3 years before i finally got back home to visit, and by that time i had finished (ok not finished in technical terms, I recieved my G.E.D.) high school, had a job and and apartment with a great bunch of outcasts simular to myself.
when i was still in high school I met my friend Mike Wallace (no, not the guy from 60 minutes) at a Motorhead show - it was the 10th anniversary tour at Turner Hall. We found out that we lived close to eachother, and started hanging out, and became instant best friends, and he is still my friend today. However, this write up is not about that relationship anyway. Through Mike I met George, Jason, Larry, and Greg, and many, many others, one of those 'others' was my dear friend Mary Herson. I met Mary at a Die Kreuzen show, back then she had the very dubious nickname of Mad Dog, which is a punk as fuck nick name if ever there was one, especialy for it to be attatched to a quiet and reserved girl such as Mary. A few years later we would become roomates, and she went on to marry my buddy Randy and have 2 amazing sons. However, life happens unexpectedly and we had drifted apart for 15 years do to many different reasons that someday i will post here on Rogue Libels, but thanks to the internet we have been in steady contact once again, and semed to have picked up right where we had left off, talking, laughing and sharing our apreciation of music. Back when we were teenagers we had gone to lots of punk shows, local punk ragers Die Kreuzen, Mi art punk The Crucifucks, had made heavy rotation in Madison in those days and those are stand out shows that i remeber dearly. But this post isnt about those bands either.
What this post IS about is the wonderful thing that happened between then and now, you see somehow, someway, incredibly, I grew up and so did Mary, I'm sure in some way we will always have a little bit of that teen angst that we had shared way back when, the drunken all night parties high on cough syrup and jim beam, or the hot summer nights when her and randy would come home and find me passed out on their fron porch. Neither one of us are in Madison anymore, we still have ties there and will forever be connected to that incredible city, but for now we share our moments talking about what its like today instead of what it was like then, its always better to stay in the here and now, and not stay stuck in the 'remember when'. Those were fun times, but we've let go and became the productive and responsible adults that were waiting to come out of those angry teen bodies. Recently we had been sharing some files over the interwebs and she sent me a link to what has to be some of the most heartfelt non metal music i have heard in a while. I know most of my family and friends know me as a straight up metal head, and yes it is my first love, and rocknroll in general is my love and passion, but when i need a break i can look beyond the inverted crosses and corpse paint and blood splattered death and throw on something different. This by no means is a music blog, it is though my way of getting stuff from inside my heart and head, out into the open.
Thank you Mary for so many years of friendship, this ones for you
but first I would like you all to read this
http://www.expectingrain.com/dok/cd/97/anthology.html
and DL it here
when i was still in high school I met my friend Mike Wallace (no, not the guy from 60 minutes) at a Motorhead show - it was the 10th anniversary tour at Turner Hall. We found out that we lived close to eachother, and started hanging out, and became instant best friends, and he is still my friend today. However, this write up is not about that relationship anyway. Through Mike I met George, Jason, Larry, and Greg, and many, many others, one of those 'others' was my dear friend Mary Herson. I met Mary at a Die Kreuzen show, back then she had the very dubious nickname of Mad Dog, which is a punk as fuck nick name if ever there was one, especialy for it to be attatched to a quiet and reserved girl such as Mary. A few years later we would become roomates, and she went on to marry my buddy Randy and have 2 amazing sons. However, life happens unexpectedly and we had drifted apart for 15 years do to many different reasons that someday i will post here on Rogue Libels, but thanks to the internet we have been in steady contact once again, and semed to have picked up right where we had left off, talking, laughing and sharing our apreciation of music. Back when we were teenagers we had gone to lots of punk shows, local punk ragers Die Kreuzen, Mi art punk The Crucifucks, had made heavy rotation in Madison in those days and those are stand out shows that i remeber dearly. But this post isnt about those bands either.
What this post IS about is the wonderful thing that happened between then and now, you see somehow, someway, incredibly, I grew up and so did Mary, I'm sure in some way we will always have a little bit of that teen angst that we had shared way back when, the drunken all night parties high on cough syrup and jim beam, or the hot summer nights when her and randy would come home and find me passed out on their fron porch. Neither one of us are in Madison anymore, we still have ties there and will forever be connected to that incredible city, but for now we share our moments talking about what its like today instead of what it was like then, its always better to stay in the here and now, and not stay stuck in the 'remember when'. Those were fun times, but we've let go and became the productive and responsible adults that were waiting to come out of those angry teen bodies. Recently we had been sharing some files over the interwebs and she sent me a link to what has to be some of the most heartfelt non metal music i have heard in a while. I know most of my family and friends know me as a straight up metal head, and yes it is my first love, and rocknroll in general is my love and passion, but when i need a break i can look beyond the inverted crosses and corpse paint and blood splattered death and throw on something different. This by no means is a music blog, it is though my way of getting stuff from inside my heart and head, out into the open.
Thank you Mary for so many years of friendship, this ones for you
but first I would like you all to read this
http://www.expectingrain.com/dok/cd/97/anthology.html
and DL it here
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Something Old (In Case You Missed It)
Thursday, July 03, 2008
as some of you may know, my father is still clinging onto his decrepit life, haggard and weak, unaware of his surroundings, when i was with him, he never even recognized me, although i am certain he knew who i was, and my sisters as well, his withered state, and dulled senses, from all the morphine, has takin his voice and atrofied his muscles, the doctor told us that the bone cancer is so far along, that his bones no longer retain calcium, and that the calcium contenet in his blood stream is the worse he has ever seen.i find it extremely ironic that a man that has abused woman and children, physicaly and emotionaly, now lays unable to move on his own, trapped in his own skin, a man that has said some horrible things, things that i am not comfortable saying here, a man that once beat up my brother becouse he finished the last of the milk, now is unable to speak.
i had at one point during the visit asked everyone to clear the room so that i may have a moment alone with my father, i had told him that i forgive him for everything and that i no longer blame him for my troubles and weather he understood or not, i had to tell him for my piece of mind, i think he was comprehending what i was saying becouse he did however mumble the words 'sorry for being such a hard ass' to me that made the trip all worth it, it was the second thing i could make out of his garbled, doped up babble, that was after he asked me if i could 'get him a beer', yes even in his last moments here on this earth, his disease has an iron grip on him and is a big part of the condition he is in today.
i had lost it, after years of knowing this moment would come, years of holding resentment and hate, holding back pain, misery, feelings of abandonment and abuse, he did after all walk out on us kids, and did the same with my 2 half sisters, and the 3 sons he had before he met my mom and had my 2 sisters and i, he is a big fat loser, it is what it is, i do not have to hold back, i am a grown man, and can be comfortable in having these feelings, and not have to numb them out, but instead i can walk through them and be better prepared for when those feelings come up again, and know that there deep rooted and the scars are deep, but i chose not to let then over run my life, becouse they are just that, 'feelings' and they dod not have to rule my life, and i do not have to let them affect the choices i make, today my choices are more in tune with what is the next best thing, not whats my feeling on the matter.
going through this is huge in my recovery, not just the feelings, and the forgiveness, but being greatfull that i had the opertunity to make the trip, to go and be by my fathers side, the first day he i was there, i had walked into the room and held his hand and told him 'it doesn't matter the circumstances which brought me here, but the fact that i am here now, is whats important' he was loaded on morphine, so i highly doubt he knew what the fuck i was talking about, but i said it, and that had been on my mind as we were taking the elevator up to his room.
back to the few minutes i had alone with my dad, he slurred something about repositioning him on his bed, so i put my hands under him and lifeted him up higher on the hospital bed, and for some reason some buzzer had gone off and my first thought was "oh great someones going to walk in here and see me hunched over this frail old man, and think i'm trying to put him out of his misery" but no one came in and i was able to remain by his side and tell him that "its ok to let go and that his mom, and brothers are waiting for him, theres no need in extending the pain" i had said more, but the exact details escape me at this time.
meeting a half brother and 2 half sisters that were ages 16, 13, and 12 was wierd to say the least, i mean i have nieces and a nephew that age. dumbass dad has to go and be a complete loser and have kids when hes like 60 an shit, christ i feel bad for the kids, i get to come home, they have to stay there in Mora Mn, in the middle of nowhere, no choice but to grow up in poverty and squalor, much like we did the first 11 years of my life, a dead beat dad who never had a regular job in his life. i would have loved to bring them home and give them a fighting chance to make something of themselves, but i will leave that up to god, and the state, becouse theres a good chance their mom will lose them after my dad passes, she is unstable and has in the past been hospitalized for mental health reaasons, and that my friends is an entirly different blog.
but it is what it is, and i leave Mn with the sense of closer and i did my part and was there to say my piece and have that part of my life help me better understand what it takes to show up for my life and be a part of other peoples lives who i will affect, whether i like it or not, becouse its part of the 'responsibleand productive' thing we're always talking about. i mention this becouse i had a nice long talk with my brother Mario, who at 16 is on probation for 2 more years, been in trouble at school, and is showing signs of addiction, i told him what i've done and where it got me, and the program that i work now, and he was very receptive. wich was a great sign, i hope he makes the right choices in his life, i can only hope and pray things work out for him and my sisters. there is 'worse case, best case scenarios' but i will spare you all the details. i was seperated for 18 years from my sisters Corinna and Angela but god and myspace brought us back together, so i have faith.
it wasn't all drama out there, my sisters and i had fun on the road, got lost on some country highway, and in town, we went to The Mall of America, and did some shopping, man that place is big, we were ther for like 5 hours and still only saw a small part of it. i did some 'retail therapy' and broke down and gots me a fancy new Blackberry 'Curve' my old phone was dying, and it was over a year old anyway, my sisters bought a couple pairs of shoes, and if i had brought a bigger suitcase i would have bought some more stuff, my sisters reminded me that 'i could buy a new suitecase' har har har, yeah but i'd also have to pay an additional 25 bucks to check it at the airlines.
so we walked around, ate, and drank smoothies, then when it was time to go and return the rental car, we took another wrong turn and ended up like 3 miles from our terminal, good thing they have a 'light rail', made to the security check and realized i had a unopened 16 oz. mountain dew in my messenger bag (along with my laptop, ipod, and digital camera) so i knew i wouldn't be alowed to take it through, so i opened it and cranked down the whole thing in less than a minute, the security dude was like 'well i guess you aint gonna sleep on this flight'. we found the bording gate and i was just so fucking ready to get home. long ass flight, 3 and a half hours later we landed safely at SFO, now i know some of you probaly flown all over the world with like 15 hr + plane rides, but after the few days with my father, and the emotional turmoil going on in my head, the trip itself had it been for like vacation , or go outa town to go check out the world, without the distress of people on their deathbed, and all that comes along with it, it was in fact a long 5 days.
home at last on wednesday night i was full of gratitude and humboled that i was able to walk that path, and show up not just for my father, but for my own recovery to walk through that difficulty and learn and grow from the whole experience.
thank you all for the support, your constance messages, phone calls, text msgs, and comments all helped me make it through it knowing that i wasn't alone, becouse you all were there with me in my heart. and i am not sure how it would have turned out had i not had all that love and support.
i've said it since i let you all know about this situation, and i will say it again THANK YOU
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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